Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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