i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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