Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
