no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
