I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
