idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
