I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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