Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
