if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
