he wants to bone in the snuggie
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
