it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
