Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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