Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
