So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
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