I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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