shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
