I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
