I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
