Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Barsexuality is the new black.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
