I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
