Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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