dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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