dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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