If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
