it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
