when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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