My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
