the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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