The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
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So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
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I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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