do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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