It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
