smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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