wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
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