please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
