I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
