I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
