Just took my morning after pill in the library
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
