dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
