can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
