when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
