I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
