And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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