I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
