weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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