Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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