Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
you traded sex for a burrito?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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