Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
