Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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