Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Say something about gay babies.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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