I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
