man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
