The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize
