A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
