I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
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I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
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TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life