I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
We left an ass print on the piano.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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