how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
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I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
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In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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