Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
