He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
