U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
