i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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