tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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