her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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