When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
