Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
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Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
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The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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