I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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