i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
